Have you ever felt so hopeless that a future seemed to be impossible to conceive?
Living in the present moment is supposed to make the future less anxiety provoking, but rather it should bring us peace and contentment. Well, in theory this makes total sense right?! But in real life, things are much more complex than a notion such as "live life in the present moment". I recently hit what could be described as "rock bottom". The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as - the lowest or most fundamental part or level - meanwhile, the Urban Dictionary is a bit more harsh of a definition - Corrupted lifestyle that is usually caused by poor life choices or a string of misfortune.- That one sort of makes me laugh and this is why I secretly (now not so secret) love the Urban Dictionary. I will however, reference the first as it is more in line with my truth.
Recently, I have been experiencing vulnerability with myself on a level that is so deep I am surprised I haven't taken up drinking or worse to mask my emotions. I am raw and in them wholeheartedly, and it is on some level both painful and exhilarating. I am flushed with gratitude on having the ability and awareness to have feelings, but I have to admit, I am mourning my former self who seemed to adapt and bounce right back from just about any and everything unscathed. This new introspective me is not moving as fervently towards the true self.
Yoga has a way of changing your entire being. Even when you do not have any intention on allowing it to creep into your soul, it does. Something about physical application of mental processes that inevitably kills all masquerades you have been partaking in. That sounds like good news.
Right? Who doesn't want to be "woke".
Turns out, me. I loved wearing my armor, my mask, my shield. I felt protected and fierce. This whole bare-your soul thing is in my humble opinion, overrated. Or is it?
I hit my rock bottom when I realized the mirror being held up to my face was no mirror at all, it wasn't a mere reflection of thy self, it was me actually holding my brain in one hand and my heart in the other. It was full on self-reflection time, up close and personal.
Healing through life's experiences while still experiencing life is a challenge in itself. Truth be told, it is sometimes downright deplorable. I have never been one to regret anything and now all of a sudden, I am field with grief from the past and shame for what the future may bring.
What am I to do?
I still do not have the answer. I am just another spiritual being living a human experience. I am suffering along side everyone else. The only difference is I know that suffering is a constant struggle in life, regardless of your circumstances. I feel guilt a lot of the times because I am in one of the richest countries in the world, I have opportunities afforded to me by those who really suffered to pave the way and I am living in my passion as I write this post.
So what do I have to be upset about?
The answer is nothing and everything. It is my birthright to have an opinion especially about my own existence. Once I understood this, the heavens opened up and rays of sunshine came down a top of my crown. It doesn't matter the why always, although sometimes it does indeed, but in my case it is all about compassion, for thy self. To be okay with not being okay. To have the realization that it is a moment and another moment is lined up. Life does have its challenges some of which are so profound, food, shelter and safety become survival mechanisms.
In any case, it is all relative. I love that thought because it is so true. If I focus on third-world hunger, it only masks my current emotions. If I begin to put into place a plan to eradicate third-world hunger or even first-world hunger, I will begin to have purpose and hope. Which too, comes with its own set of anxieties.
Which is the case in point, ultimately, our human brains are wired to our nervous system and our hormones have an effect on our emotions and so on...did I mention this was complicated?
The new beginning...
If in the ocean you reach the bottom, you feel a sense of completion right? You made it. There is nowhere else to explore. This is it, from a linear perspective anyway. You feel a sense of accomplishment, you are filled with pride and in that instant abolish all doubt. Well, because like I said, you made it. Imagine all of this and realize that it only counts if that was your goal. Whereas, if you were thrown in the ocean without oxygen and you reach the bottom, how do you feel now? (P.S. This is a rhetorical question)
This is life. We are open to what we have mentally prepared ourselves for. Very rarely, are we receptive to life's unknowns, especially if death could be the immediate response. Although death is the final destination for us all, we are not necessarily welcoming it.
Without getting to philosophical, I believe the point has been taken. Hit the rocks and find your new beginning, rather you dive in head first or get thrown in. Either way, find the rocks and swim back up to the top.